Dear organization who is looking for dedicated employees who can turn around any project, big or small, and do so with creativity, efficiency, and steadfast determination,
Have you thought about hiring an author for your open position? Authors already have the intangible qualities you’re probably looking for in a model employee: dedication and focus, the ability to keep ideas structured and cogent, and a great sense of long-term planning. To say nothing of an author’s ability to write better than that intern who thinks OMFG is a great way to start an e-mail to a prospective client.
Think about it. Few people can match the dedication and focus of an author penning the next great space-faring magical goblin trilogy. After all, authors are people who willingly dedicate unhealthy portions of their finite lives toward the creation of books most people will never read. The threat of perpetual obscurity doesn’t stop them. They continue to labor, content and maybe deluded into thinking their literary efforts will make the world a better place. They focus in on their make-believe worlds, their characters, and their adventures with the kind of precision lasers envy.
Even better, they maintain that dedication and focus as they tackle what, to most people, is an insurmountable task. Most people run, faint, or curl into a fetal position at the thought of writing a 500-page book. Not authors! They know that all it requires is a steady, disciplined march from page to page and chapter to chapter—and lots of caffeine and snacks of questionable nutritional value along the way. Now where on Monster.com are you going to find that kind of intrepid (and slightly insane) dedication toward intimidating projects?
Still, dedication would be nothing without the ability to keep ideas structured, organized, and cogent. And what’s a good book if not a story that takes a plot from inception to creation to conclusion within the span of 500 pages, all without straying into tangents or irrelevance? Not that all authors do this well (I did say good book), but at least they have a sense that a plot or an idea must be consistently executed and maintained throughout the book if they’re going to get positive user reviews on Amazon.com. Isn’t it nice to think that there’s an author out there who can manage your next big marketing campaign so that your e-mail blast doesn’t blow plot holes into the direct-mail campaign you just finalized?
An author knows how important it is to keep all plot points, sub-plots, characterizations, subtexts, campaign elements, mailings, contacts, online ads, printed ads, and deadlines structured and interconnected. In other words, authors have an impeccable sense of long-term planning, especially since the last thing they want to do is write themselves into a corner where they can’t figure out how Frido the Magical Elf Goblin is going to escape from his burning ship while still saving his planet from the death ray bearing down on it at that moment. Now think of how that long-term planning will benefit your organization. Isn’t it great that you’d have someone at the head of your marketing team who’ll anticipate the potential obstacles during the SEO keyword integration process and craft a solution so that your e-mails aren’t getting caught in spam filters?
So, Mr. organization who is looking for dedicated employees who can turn around any project, big or small, and do so with creativity, efficiency, and steadfast determination, in conclusion, I’d like to remind you that I’m an author. And I’m dedicated and focused. And I’m great at keeping big projects cogent and structured. And I have a fantastic sense of long-term planning. And, best of all, I know the difference between its and it’s. Please hire me.
Author, Solstice, voted the Best Obscure Feminist Sci-Fi Novel of 2008 (seriously)